Lights go down
by Mirarin
Summary: Quill saved his true daddy - Yondu but price is big.. Too big. „ If ya have a kid and kid dies.. Do ya stop saying ya have him? Or are ya always daddy?"
1. Kapitola 1 Your life was my life's best

If somebody would ask Yondu to use two words to show what he´s feeling right now, that words would be : pain and loss.

He doesn't know what he should do, think or say. He doesn't know if someone is talking to him and he doesn't realize which hand is gently hold his shoulder. He hears so many voices : some are crying, some are screaming.

But even in this chaos of yelling, he recognize one calm - almost whispering voice. His owner is probably the one who still holds his shoulder with slightly shaking fingers.

But that doesn't matter. Nothing is really matter...

Only thing what's matter to Yondu is body which is still lying in his arms. Frozen, silent ... dead body.

His boy's body. His son's body.. Frozen, silent.. dead..

Dead.

Dead.

" _My boy... why are ya so silent ?"_ he think. " _Why did ya do that, you idiot_?"

In act of pure despair, Quill somehow gave up his suit and and slapped it on the blue man's back. Half-frozen Yondu could only watch how damn galaxy took the life out of his boy. He could only watching how life's light in Quill's leaving.

It took few minutes until other guardians came for them but it was too late. Quill's heart (clearly weaked thanks that fucking jackass) stopped. Light was gone, life was gone.

After twenty-six years of trying, protecting and caring about this kid. He developed a close fondness of Quill. He never said it but the boy was the best of him. But even after all his best trying, Ego found a way to break him in the end.

Ego won. Ego didn't have to survive battle, but he won the war. That felt like shot through the heart.

Yondu lost Stakar, he lost his first family, he lost his loyal ones from his crew and.. and now he lost the **son.**

But technically...

He lost him the first time when the boy stole from him the Orb, and then they brought him back from universe with his new green girl, and then he lost him again to his other family.

And now, he is losing him to death. _Three times_ , Yondu lost his boy. Three times,he had the chance to tell him everything he wanted to tell him, and three times Yondu ruined it.

He ruined so many things. He dissapointed all those children.

 _Dammit!_

 _Ignis, Uru, Vulmaro, Tenzing and... and Bellona and Astrid, Elian..Quill.._

 _Even Quill.. they are dead, the are gone!_

 _"It just hurts.."_

 _"It hurts so much."_

 _"It just hurts so much."_

 _"_ Captain, please let him go..ya an't help him anymore."

It takes moment before he finally realize that the calm voice which was talking to him for awhile belongs to Kraglin. With the all his left strength, he look at him. He can't see him very well. It's probably because his eyes are half-frozen but he can feel they are full of tears. Is he crying? He can't even remember when he cried last time...

But he let his arms still protective around Quill' body. He just can't let him go. He can't do it.. His boy... is lying here and he can't leave him. No, he will not leave him...

Kraglin gently squeezes his shoulder with shaking fingers.

" _Sure"_

Despite all jealousy, Kraglin likes Peter too. To be fair, all crew was mad because Yondu's soft part for Quill. Captain shouldn't have a favorite.

" _Well now just liked_ " another painful hit.

Then Yondu look around. Friends of boy are here. Rat is standing like statue without doing anything and Twig is crying, hugging Quill's foot. The green ex-daughter of Thanos is sitting next to him and holds Peter's hand in her's hands, her eyes are empty but.. she looks kinda empty and dead inside. She kiss Peter's cheek and then stare at the other girl - "Mantis" as he believes.

"Out" Gamora mutters and her voice is full of rage.

"I just.."

"OUT!" shrieks now. Everybody is quiet as sobbing girl running away. Yondu doesn't understand what's going on but he doesn't care..

Probably in Gamora's eyes the bug's girl was a somehow guilty like Ego. But even if that was truth.. it's pity but Yondu can't even go mad. For him was his fire's out. After all, Ravenger without flames is not a Ravenger. Captain without crew and is not Captain.

And..

„ If ya have a kid and kid dies.. Do ya stop saying ya have him? Or are ya always daddy?" he asks out loud and doesn't care if it is sentiment or not. Why should he ?

Pause.

Suddenly Gamora look at him and in her eyes he see something strange for ex-assasin. It is gratitude. Without saying anything she put her forehead against his shoulder and start crying. Like from a pure reflex he hug her with right arm and bring her closer to him.

Strange. All this scene is so strange.

Ex-Kree warrior slave and daughter of Thanos are hugging each other as they're crying silent tears, both holding a body of boy who for them means more than thousand worlds.

Somewhere behind Yondu, a big grey guy "Drax" declare the answer for his question. His voice is tearful but firm.

„ If anyone would ever dare to say, I'm not anymore daddy to my little girl only because she is on better place, I would cut off his head."

Yondu turns to him surprisely. He had no idea...

So the big guy also lost the child. Child who he loved. Child who died and let on his dad's heart lifelong scar... He will never ever love somebody same way as he loved that kid.

„Thanks." That is all what he's able to say.


	2. Chapter 2 We're lost

_**Did you break but never mend?**_

 _ **Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?**_

 _\- The Script_

 _Two weeks later..._

It had been 14 days of absolute agony. The stars, suns and planets had faded into darkness. Well for him definitely. All day, every day, all he could think about was Peter.

 _"Thank ya very much, boy ! What a marvelous sacrifice ya made for me! So ya died before me and I could only watched it ? So what? Every day is a blessing!"_

In his whole damn life, all space was against him. His parents showed him that very clearly. They left him for life of slave or very soon death. Then he had been saved by Stakar, only to be disappointment again. But Quill was always trying make his own choices. They were suck sometimes, but his last was just pointless. Quill died for nothing. Why gave up life for one already dead ?

All the anger, all the fight, his loyal members of his crew, his arrow, his boy - everything that made him Yondu Udonta, was gone.

When he closes his eyes, he still can see Peter funeral. Quiet and fast. Not the all what his boy deserved but all of them were too broken to figured out something better. The boy who they loved was just bag of bones and flesh.

" It should be me, not you son"

He find it hard to breathe. So many questions.

How could Stakar survived this? And three times ?

Is here some life after life ? Chance find peace? But even if there is, Yondu knows he's going the other way. At least he will kick Ego's ass in hell.

Rat offered himself to fix his arrow,but he refused. Arrow was weapon meant to kill in battle but in him was no fight left. He just put both part of arrow next Quill's body and both of them send to the enternity.

He was so tired. When had he become so old? Every line on his body was deeply carved. A map of everything he had experienced in hard lifetime. Every scar has own story. Each loss he experienced tunneled down into the deepening creases around his eyes.

Peter's crew, they lost their spirit along with Yondu. All of them were varying degrees of depressed. They stayed on Elector and don't seem to go somewhere. Milano was still rotting on Berhert but no one cared about that. Like a Terran music. No one wanted listening any songs anymore. The silence almost drives them insane.

However he understand. Just like he understand why Quill never returned to Earth. It was a reminder of their loss. Too much memories. In the end every song, every planet or ship is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hollow part in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be.

The reason why he was trying to kill a his memory. Lucky, those idiot's traitors weren't able to drink all booze. Most days, like today, it was all he could do to get on feet. Captain should have motivation not to be drunk all day and night but.. wait he's not longer captain.

He killed all rebels and those who stayed loyal to him found their end in cold space. Just like his son.

He remember, Quill staring at him as he was dying. He had his momma's eyes for what was Yondu always grateful. In the moment he can feel fresh tears across his face..

NO! He will not think about Quill...or not now, only for while he wants feel nothing. Throught he is left with nothing and he is nothing. Yondu wants all the pain go away..He takes another big gulp of beer. It tastes like shit but it makes purpose..

 _"_ I am Groot!"

Oh, hell.. not again..

Since funeral, Rat always makes a point to send a little Twig over to Yondu for a special hug. And of course, Kraglin is worry about him too. He is coming over each morning to check on him. Probably make sure that Yondu don´t have alcohol poisoning. While appreciated, the extra attention just remindshim that Quill isn't here.

Gamora also coming here with Twig. She sits front of him and take glass of beer away from him.

"You have to eat something, Yondu. You've lost too much weight. Did you even attempt to eat the what Kraglin brought over?"

In weird moment of hugging the time, they made some kind of bond between them. Maybe because they both loved Quill in different ways than others. Honestly they don't talk much just few words but that is enought. They are kinda similar in some cases. Provided he would have a daughter, she would be as her.

However girl is stronger than him about emotions. Speaking about emotions. She clearly don't want bug's girl around her.

" If she told us truth sooner, none of this would have happened."says unexpectedly. Her voice is full of rage.

Yondu is thinking what exactly keep her from killing Mantis. He knows what can person with ravenge in heart do. The bug's girly seems pretty innocent to him. She was with that jackass so long time. Ego was killing own children front of her. He can't blame her because she was afraid.

"Were ya different when ya had been living with Thanos?" ask her peacefully. Gamora look at him, he can see all anger in her face.

 _" Ya were lucky to have her, boy. She wants fight for you even now. A lot of married folk don't get that far."_ thinks for himself. There is nothing againts which she can fight.

"All hatred is just a distraction. Ya think that blaming her will take all that pain away? It won't." he continues. Gamora is surprised by these words and hesitates for a moment. Yondu don't want argument and neither want she.

" We are going to Xandar, and there we will leave her." with this answer, Gamora takes one gulp of booze, "shits"


	3. Chapter 3 Keep me

It was a long night. Yondu found no sleep, though he felt exhausted. Even his dreams don't bring him any relax. Everytime he close his eyes...

 _He struggled with Quill in universe, grabbed him, shook him, tried to turn him out to face, made him take back that damn suit. He begged one last time for boy to see._

 _" Take it back! Take it back right now, you idiot! You have to live! Why are you so stubborn moron ?!"_

 _Quill just stared at him for a moment. He struggled with the fact that he couln't save Yondu and save himself as well. After all those years he realized , he has dad. Dad who cared about him from moment he met him. Most children don't get that. His own siblings especially._

 _His mom said him on her dead bed "Your daddy comes back to get you." And someone came. Thanks heaven, it wasn't his freaking father. It was his true cool dad – Yondu._

 _Man who beated him, threat him, raised him to be cheater and criminal just like him._

 _Man who also protected him, always forgave him and risked everything for him. Learned him how shoot, fly, drink, talking with girl, fight and survive in cruel space._

 _Quill always knew that Yondu is soft on him but...now he was more that sure – he and Yondu have been family. He felt a weight had lifted off his heart. Unspoken things really._

 _Ego took too much family members from him. His mother and milion of his siblings. No more._

 _A decision formed in his eyes and Yondu knew that. Quickly put his arms around boy, exactly as he did it in that starless night before 26 years._

 _" Peter, boy, stay with me, okay?! Your friends are sure on their way. Hold on! Don't you dare give up! I won't let you go! Not again!"_

 _Darkness is coming for him.._

 _Galaxy is pretty unfair for somebody who just saved her but_ _it's supposed to be one of the better ways to go.._

 _"Ju-just keep me..me in your...hea..heart...Yo-...daddy"_

 _Last things Quill could felt were hot tears of pure love on his neck..which turn to frozen.. Yondu knew that there was nothing, he could do for his son now. It was too late._

 _And like Peter Quill, what was left of Yondu Udonta in former Ravenger captain and Centaurian died on that moment...He´s given up on himself. Comletly a break down._

Yeah, own damn mind betrayed him. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face into the pillow, trying to force the thought away. He curled up, pulling the blankets over his head.

The other hand, he found he had no desire to get up or do anything else.

 _"I hate ya because ya are dead, boy_." he thought, not for the first time that few weeks.

 _Quill_ was really dead and he hate him. It wasn't direct but it was **final**.

 _"Ya had no right. I kept you alive all time. I made what you were. You were mine. You were closes thing to redemption what I ever had._

 _You hurt me, son. More than anyone ever hurt me."_

Yondu was so tired. Tired all of this. So tired and hopeless. Too much pain in chest which he know will never leave him. A little time more would buy him nothing.

But maybe..maybe there was way to stop all that pain..

He look on his socket where he is going find knife. He kept weapon for his defense in every possible pleace. After all captain have to be prepared for everything. And once again.. he is no captain anymore..or dad. Peter was his son if not in blood, then in _every_ other way possible. And he lost him.

Perhaps one good stab with knife in the right place.. can make to end this..

Just one stab...

But from socket take something else than knife.

"What the hell."

 _Ah, Zune_.

Why he still have him ? It's pointless keep terran machine if you don't have any music-possessed Terran boy on your ship. Yondu genuinely believed that Peter would come back to the Ravagers one day and wanted to have a welcome back present prepared.

He should burned it on funeral with boy and arrow. Though again, he began to sob silently. Damn these silent tears!

Yondu clenched the Zune in his palm.

And then...

 _„When the winter comes keep the fires lit_ _  
_ _And I will be right next to you_

Headphones which were on his chest, started play the music from them into his ears. Probably pressed play on Zune by accident. He heard the first few lyrics, it was nice song but...

 _"Engine driver's headed north to Pleasant Stream_ _  
_ _Keep me in your heart for a while"_

"Wait, what?—"

Yondu's memories circled around him like a dark cloud.

 _Peter is becoming weaker. Peter coughs weakly._

 _How he shakes Quill_ _'s_ _body and tears start to glisten in his eyes, knowing that, not only has he lost his son, but that he has also lost himself._

 _Funeral, boy's body lies on the stretcher and he closes his son's eyes and covers his dead body._

 _Peter last words._

 _"Ju-just keep me..me in your...hea..heart...Yo-...daddy"_

And now this song...

 _"Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo_ _  
_ _Keep me in your heart for a while"_

That remark made his stomach twist. Let this straight. This was sick, so damn sick. All space is playing joke at him ? That was the question that had always haunted him. Even stupid former gift for his boy is now against him? No need any more questions.

 _"Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-li-li-lo_ _  
_ _Keep me in your heart for a while"_

 _ **. .Heart**_

"Why these shits ?!"

Before he recognized, what he is doing, Zune flew against wall. And then all was silent.

Yondu awoke late in the morning, surprised that he'd fallen asleep. Someone was in his room when he was sleeping.

He sat up and looked around, seeing a change of clean clothes sat on the chair next to the bed., along with a tray of breakfast.

Ah, sure. They have to be on Xandar and this is THE DAY.

The message of Peter Quill/Starlord's death spread through the universe like goddamn fire. After all, Peter was hero of Xandar and Nova Corps wanted show how much thankfull were.

They send their sorry for such terrible loss and invitation to visit. A bad time to come visiting. Nova even had cleaned all the crimes of Yondu, Kraglin and Nebula. Clean shield. Nobody had ask for that.

Right now, they have more important problem. His name is : Mantis.

It happened yesterday actually.

Just like Yondu thought, Gamora couldn't stay quiet much longer. All that anger have to showed up. Yondu could heard that hit even before Gamora actually hit her. Mantis stood there and crying like small child.

"Why are you hate me, why ?" ask sobbing poor girl after Gamora stepped back.

That made ex-Thanos daughter more mad. Her voice increased in volume as eyes started to fill with rage.

" Because you hadnt been strong enought to say something!" Gamora grabs Mantis by the lapels and pushes her „Please! Oh! Ahhh!"

„Because you had let us take Peter to that monster!" scream Gamora aggressively.

" I hate you because you could've say us truth so many times, but you had done that when was too late."

She hit Mantis again and again. Little Twig saw all scene and started cry. Rat was there in moment and hugged him so he couldn't watch more.

Mantis was just crying, but it was only when Yondu said „Girl, enought please stop" that made Gamora let go of her. He gently caught anger girl for an elbow and took her from poor empath. Drax ran up to sobbing Mantis and his head snapped up in shock.

"Why Gamora? What the hell are you doing this?" Drax said slowly, as though he was still finding it difficult to believe but he was livid.

Gamora rounded on him angrily " I'll tell you why; she had deserved it! She has to get out of here, Drax!"

Yondu stepped between the fighting friends.

"You are right, girl but let her be."

"What?!" ask Drax – well more yelled. Yondu glared at him.

"She almost murdered her, big guy. And bug's girl did not even defended herself. She is no nature for this life."

Grey guy grumbled silently but made no further comment. They all have agreed in one thing : for Mantis will be best leave this ship.

 _Oh, boy. What mess you left me here._


End file.
